Hello everyone, it's been such a long time since I've posted here though in the New Year, well from now really, I'm going to be posting here a lot more often.
My studying has been put off again but from now on it will get greater priority. The next term doesn't start till the New Year so I'm going to focus this post on how God has worked on me this year...
I'm not going to lie, there have been times where I've felt I've been "lacking spiritually" as every Christian will feel at times. After all, we're all sinful beings by nature. Not one of us are perfect, except God of course!
I've had lots of struggles, some this year and God has pulled me through it all. I'm a mentally stronger person now than I've ever been before and I solely put that down to God. I was a very timid and troubled child and he saw I needed working on. I suffered terribly with depression which had an effect on my studies. I remember having to complete half a years work in just one week and started smoking daily. I'd just had enough at one point and ended up overdosing. It wasn't a cry for help, it was a suicide attempt. I wasn't brave enough to hang myself or slit my wrists, I wanted to do it the cowardly way and take as many pills as possible. I actually recorded myself doing it on video so that if my attempt was successful, people would find the tape and know why I'd done it. I was very vulnerable after that and just wanted to be accepted, I won't talk about school but I'm sure that had a part in my depressive build up, the daily bullying etc though I overdosed when I was at college aged 16 going on 17. January 2008.
For a while after that it was very difficult and I just wanted to attempt suicide again. I'd become involved with the wrong people, romantically. Despite, never exploring God's word much, I had high morals and vowed never to sleep with anyone until after marriage which is something I've stuck to to this day. The women I was meeting up with weren't right, they weren't mentally stable themselves and messed me around an awful lot. I felt heart ache at a young age and I have very unpleasant memories of being hurt, losing appetite, sliding into depressions etc. To this day though, I find it hard talking about the subject. I can wear my heart on my sleeve which isn't always a good thing. I've fallen for people and I very rarely fall for anyone. Feelings have never been mutual, I feel I've been seen as an easy target but now that has all changed. I'm strong, I believe in myself, I believe in God and his word has kept me going. Certain people can have different effects on me spiritually as well, sometimes I get mixed signals, sometimes I need to pray for guidance.
I have the illness M.E. and God does not want me to hide it. It's opened so many new doors for me despite it being such a disabling illness. He knew that I could deal with it after bringing me through crippling depression. Having mild autism too means I get my views out slightly differently to the "typical" person. In no way do I see having Asperger's as a weakness, it's a strength. I feel it was God's call to write about my experiences to help others with regards to both of these things. I will continue to help others whilst progressing with what my plans are.
I really feel that 2015 is the year my relationship with God will go to the next level. My faith is strong now, I regularly read scripture and I pray daily. But as beings, we feel we can fall short at times but all we need is faith. God doesn't matter how many good deeds you do or how many times you think you've failed, if you truly believe in him then that's all he needs. I feel I'm a lot maturer than my age suggests and that's purely down to God and what he's done to me.
God's got me through university study and the rest when I've mentally been in a bad place. After being stable for a few years, I can go to the next level.
This is me getting thoughts out into writing, some of it may seem like waffle but it's all from the heart. Sometimes our words can appear to be muddled to others, but as long as we know what we believe in then that's all that matters.
See my plans for next year here: http://barrysme.blogspot.co.uk/2014/12/new-year-big-plans.html
Also, if you'd like to see my testimony from 3 years ago then here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnIHC6OBNiY&list=UUCrsPBrO__GVcD3rm8nomjw
Thanks for reading,
Have a blessed Christmas,
Barry x
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